Monday, March 1, 2010

March 1, 2010: Overwhelmed & Letting Go (or Re-directing?) Dreams.

I think it is normal as a parent to sometimes get overwhelmed. I really seem to have reached something like it lately. There are times I feel I might not be exposing my kids to the opportunities out there for them. There are so many things I am not taking advantage of. Yes, it was my choice to work (I actually never really gave myself the choice, it was kind of an unspoken that I would continue to work.) Typically this is not that big a deal, I think, if you are a parent. We have a lot of extra-curricular activities for the kids though, just because of the nature of their dx-es. I hate when I can not take advantage of an opportunity for them. It stresses me out.
A the same time, I like riding horses. I have one horse I bought 6 years ago, for whom I had dreams. He is a nice horse, with talent. I got him for a good price. WHen I saw the ad, I remember the tingle in the back of my neck. This was my horse. I had a good time starting him. Took lessons, enjoyed that, looked forward to going to shows. Never did take him to a show though. That's OK, because the kids came instead. I always thought that I would get back to riding regularly and getting the horse ready for shows. "Maybe this year" I thought last year. Then Marco's Dx came. It really hit me for a loop, and even though I functioned pretty decently, I really had a hard time. Not only with the dx but most certainly the 6 months leading up to it. I was in denial but I knew something was up.
Now I am kind of dealing with Marco's dx, but I must honestly say it is harder than Annelies's. Why? I do not know. Is it because it is a second one, and it just is a little too much to deal with (well, of course we have to deal and we will. There is no question there.) Marco is doing better, he is making progress. But autism is such an unknown to me, such a black hole. What if he gets worse. Or God forbid, what if Annelies has it? Sometimes I drive myself up the wall worrying.
I have not been riding regularly. That stresses me out a lot too. Here is a nice horse who is not getting the attention he so deserves. (Luckily, all the horses are out in pasture, so they are not stuck in a stall, they get movement at least). Today I kind of hit rock-bottom and the thought came up that I might give up my horse. It will take some of the worry away of not spending time with him, and I can focus better on the kids and my work. It sucks to give up a dream, it really does. But maybe it is the best thing to do for now.
Maybe I will sleep on it.

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