Wednesday, March 11, 2009

March 11: Panera

Aaron and I went to lunch today, while it is still possible for me to be out on a weekday during the day. I go back to work next week. We went to Panera because Aaron has not been there before. I was introduced to Panera during one of my trips to STP, Florida. The hotel I usually stay in has a Panera right in the parking lot. While the hotel offers a decent breakfast buffet every morning, the coffee leaves a lot to be desired, so I trek across the parking lot to Panera for 'real' coffee. I realized at some point that Panera offers a nice menu so decided to take Aaron there. We ordered and found a table. It was lunch time, so the place was packed. The table next to us had 3 women at it, 2 with babies and one about to have a baby. The first thought that ran through my head was: Good for them, they have 'normal' babies. This was not a malicious thought, it was just an involuntary thought. Immediatly I looked at the car seat at my feet from which my Daughter was grinning up at me. As if she was saying: It's Okay. It is all good....It will all be all right. I felt like a bad mom. Guilty. I shared my feelings with Aaron. He listens to me, that is a comfort. He somewhat understands, but does not get himself hung up on thoughts the way I do.
Part of my overreaction at that particular point was due to yet another whole group being eliminated from my department at work. All their jobs are going to India. It is irritating to me, I do not see how this helps our economy. I have no doubt that this was the plan all along anyway, but now with the economy as an excuse, there is reason to do it quicker. I feel bad for those to whom this is a blindside, and for whom that job was the only one in the household. I wish all these people well. I will miss many of them (after almost 9 years of seeing these faces, interacting and working with these people, it is really hard to see most of them go). So I am in a bit of a cynical mood these days anyway.
I understand now that I am still in a bit of a mourning/grieving stage that I have mostly suppressed by keeping busy. Solving problems, getting things arranged and done. I was told at one point that it is good to be practical, but it is important to give myself time for grief when I need it. And not to get too impatient with myself. I guess today, I had a moment like that. Life is interesting. There is much to learn about it and ourselves, and we do this via others. At 3 months old, Annelies is a pretty good teacher. I think she understands more than most will ever realize.