May 2, 2009: Solids and Snow

It has been a while since I added an entry to this blog. Not even sure if anyone reads it, but hey, maybe the kids will enjoy it when they are a little bit bigger.

Annelies was introduced to solid food a week ago. Esther, the EI lady who comes once a week to work with us, told us it is time. So, out came the rice cereal and teh tiniest spoon we have in the house. I mixed a tablespoon with some formula and sat down with Annelies in her 'eating chair', and it went really well! She made smacking sounds with her mouth and sucked on the spoon, it was an interesting new sensation for her and she obviously enjoyed it! I was relieved that she took to it so well. She smiled at me a couple of times during the meal.

Now that she has been eating rice cereal 2 times a day for a week, I added a tiny bnit of banana to it today, she seemed to like that also. I did decide to give her her solid mealk separately from a bottle though, that allows her to digest the solid for a bit before adding a bunch of formula and possibly making her throw up (like she did this morning).

Last weekend, we took Marco to see his first snow. It was a Sunday, we had nothing else to do, and we decided to take a drive up to Lake Tahoe before all the snow leaves for the summer. There was still some on the ground in patches. Marco enjoyed going from the dirt to the snow, the snow was crunchy under his feet and the dirt was like what he was used to. He fell in the snow a few times and realized it is very cold on his hands (it was a relatively warm day, so we did not have gloves for him because we did not spend a particularly long time in the snow.)

I am glad we went up there to introduce Marco to the snow, next year we will take a sleigh and let him ride it, he will enjoy that for sure!

April 4th: Room #4

If I had to describe the moments and days following Marco's birth in one word, it would be "Idyllic". I fondly remember the first moments holding him, knowing he was 'OK' (during his pregnancy I was particularly worried about birth defects, or anything being wrong), feeling the pride of having given birth, and the elation of having done so 'successfully', and the gratefulness of the beautiful little guy we were given. I spent the first 31 hours of Marco's life in room #4 (my lucky number), where friends and family visited us to admire Marco for the first time. I am sure all of you who had a 'typical' birth experience felt exactly the same way.
So when I had Annelies, it was a little different. That first 24 hours, I would not want to re-live, yet I would not want to erase it from my memory and experiences because it is such an important part of what and who we have become. I was kept in the hospital for 48 hours, because Annelies was in the NICU. Maybe it is standard to keep a Mom who gives birth to a 'non-typical' child, especially when it is a 'surprise', a little longer if possible (I have fantastic insurance) because they might have wanted to keep an eye on me. I am not sure, I do know that given the easy birth (I described it before so won't go into detail) I could have walked out of the hospital that day, and probably would have if Annelies was OK. Once I was discharged from the hospital and Annelies was still in the NICU, I went there about 4 times a day to spend time with her. To get to her room, I had to walk past room number 4. The first time I realized where I was, and I saw that room, I went inside. It was empty. I cried and cried for the grief and sense of loss and scaredness I felt. I don't think I ever cried that hard. The floor was pretty empty, so on one saw me thank god. I think I felt I lost my innocence in a way. It was so hard to believe that the woman I was that day was the same one who had recovered in that room after having had Marco just shy of 2 years ago. It is hard to describe. That first 2 days, I had to choke back tears every time I passed that room. (Of course I was also extra emotional because of a lack of sleep.) I kept thinking, feeling, that I had lost something. But then, this dawned on me: My memories of room #4 with Marco are still mine. They are happy memories that I am grateful to have, and be able to have forever. No one, and no event can take them away from me as long as I am mentally fit and able to remember them. I have all the right to feel them, and to enjoy them, and will do so for the rest of my life. I began to get back that happy feeling walking past room #4, and by the end of Annelies' first week of life, I was even more grateful for the Marco memory because I had that wonderful experience.
Now, 4 months later, I am grateful for the experience with Annelies also. Her existence in our lives is nothing short of a miracle, I would never change that. Yes, I still have some difficulties sometimes. Any big life event like that takes away your innocence/naivete in a way. I sometimes go back to moments or events that happened before I had Annelies, and think "Wow, that happened Before I Knew. Especially at work, now that I am back, there are some things I have to work on that I was working on Before. But it does not have to take away from memories that came before it. I am so glad I realized that.

March 30, 2009: Marco and Rusty and the Water

Marco really likes water. He would probably eat his dinner in bath if we let him. He can hang over the sink for an hour and play with the water coming out of the faucet if we let him. When I do let him play, Rusty the cat is there immediately because, even though he gets fresh water, there seems to be nothing quite like being able to drink it from the faucet when it is running. It must be a cat thing...

Last weekend I took some pictures of them in our hallway bathroom in the mirror. I think they came out cute!

March 25th, 2008: Milestones

Annelies had her 4 month well-baby checkup today. I always anticipate these checkups because I am excited to find out her weight and height, to see how she is growing. I did this with Marco also. Since Annelies has been a lot more interactive (smiling, making faces back at us, following us around the room with her eyes and head- especially Marco-), I felt pretty good about her progress. Our Doctor is always glad to see us, she has a warm spot for Annelies. That is a good feeling also. Annelies was not so thrilled about being undressed to get on the scale. Just like most women, I guess. Who wants to get on the scale? She had just eaten, so her weight was a bit inflated but the scale kept flipping between 13 lbs and 12. 15 1/5, so we settled on the 12 lb, 15.5 oz (since she had just finished drinking about 4 oz). Her length is 24 1/2 inches. That puts her at 50% for her weight and 75% for her lenght on the regular charts! This is great news, we are thrilled she is growing so well. She is getting ready for some solid foods soon (some applesauce and sweet potato like we did for Marco).

Annelies is developing really well. The PT comes every week, and is thrilled with her progress. She has almost complete neck control, and wants to roll over but is not there yet. So physically she is starting to show some delays, but is still within normal range. I am beginning to learn what's normal for her, and will be comparing her to herself rather than to other children, or god forbid, milestones in books. I did that with Marco and drove myself insane. I am learning that it is so important to enjoy the moments with her (and with Marco, who is taking his sweet time learning to speak, and that is OK). I guess sometimes in this society we want to compare and we want to come out ahead or even, not 'behind'. Well, it is all about perception, isn't it? Annelies will not be behind where it comes to being loved and nurtured, and trying her best to be who she can be. I think that is what counts.

The PT gives us gets excercices to do with Annelies, which tires her out quite a bit (Aaron is really good about doing them with her, so is my Mom. I do them mostly while we are playing, especially during the week since I am not around as much). She lifts her legs up all the time when she lays on her back (see enclosed pic). She is also starting to hold onto her bottle herself. The PT loves this. Most of it sounds like regular baby stuff, and it is, which is SO COOL. She has incredible try in her, she loves to lay on my stomach and lift up her head and smile (she has been smiling a lot, too). She makes all kinds of sounds now. The other really cool thing is that the Doctor is sure that Annelies will (be able to) speak normally. Her palate is shaped normally, and her tongue also. I am sure we will get speech tharapy, but I am very positive about her future.

March 22: Playing Together...Sort Of ;)

Today was the first time Marco and Annelies really kind of interracted. It was cute and surprising to see. Annelies was in her gym thingy (where she has things above her head that she can grab), and Marco was sitting near her head with his piano toy (a somewhat irritating toy that has 5 buttons that play popular tunes, and piano keys -Do to Do, 8 keys- he could actually play a song on if I tought it to him. I am teaching myself so I can teach him). Anyway, Marco hits the popular tunes and then the other keys randomly (we put tape over the speaker so it is not nearly as loud as it used to be). The thing was right near Annelies' head, and she was looking up to Marco (she tracks him always, which is really cool). So she started making noises, just regular baby noises, trying out her vocal cords. Then Marco would imitate her and laugh his little but off. It was so cute. It is neat to see Marco starting to kind of 'play' with her, for as much as that is possible at her age anyway. I took the attached pic on my cell phone to send to Aaron.

March 17th, Back to Work

Back to Work

This week, I went back to work after 4 ½ months of Maternity Leave. This return back was conflicted: I was not thrilled to lose my freedom and go back to the daily grind. What makes it worse is that 60% (!) of my Department has been laid-off or will be by April 17. So, I feel guilty for not really feeling like going back because I should be happy I have a job. Which I am, for as long as it lasts. But I have worked hard and long to establish myself in this job (many of the positions leaving to India are operations type positions) and I am in a project-oriented position, so I am a little safer although no one is safe at this moment. Anyway, this in combination of facing people who now may or may not know about Annelies and who may or may not know how to approach me, or might feel awkward- a feeling I can pick up on immediately- made me a little leary. So far, things have been fine. It has been so nice to see people whom I have not seen for a while. I am still not used to the empty cubicles, especially of those I had a connection with.
An interesting thing happened: I went to the cafeteria and saw a girl who works there who had her daughter right around the time I had Marco (2 years ago). When she and I chatted about our babies when we both came back from maternity leave back then, she had shared that there were some medical concerns for her daughter, including a heart issue for which she needed surgery. So, I ran into her one morning this week and she asked how I was doing and how the new baby is. I told her Annelies was well, healthy, and then told her that she has Down syndrome. This was interesting; I made a split second decision to share this with her, based on a gut feeling that told me it was OK to do so. (Funny how I can pretty quickly seize up a person and just know what/how much to tell them to diminish the impact somehow. )
She told me her daughter has Trisomy8. This means her daughter has 3 of the 8th chromosome replicated to a number (not all) of the cells in her body. So we chatted a little bit until she had to go make a coffee for someone else. [Anyone living with T8 has a mosaic situation (the 3 8th chromosomes are in a group of cells on the body, not all cells. This allows for a large difference in issues someone with this condition has from not visible or not even diagnosed to very serious issues similar to serious health issues found in some who have Ds health and mental-wise.) It is nice to talk to someone who instantly understands, and I could tell the feeling was mutual for her. I want to talk to her more. I also had a nice talk with a colleague who has an older Brother with Ds. Support is everywhere, even in the workplace!
It is also interesting to find things in common with those who have become parents thru adoption. I know 2 women who have done so, and 2 men who are about to. A lot of the feelings they have described to me (not knowing fully what to expect for their child as they do not know the parents, that history. Or the difference because their child does not look like them.) It is funny how our kids, no matter where they come from or how they are created, bring us together in ways we never dreamed but would never change.

March 11: Panera

Aaron and I went to lunch today, while it is still possible for me to be out on a weekday during the day. I go back to work next week. We went to Panera because Aaron has not been there before. I was introduced to Panera during one of my trips to STP, Florida. The hotel I usually stay in has a Panera right in the parking lot. While the hotel offers a decent breakfast buffet every morning, the coffee leaves a lot to be desired, so I trek across the parking lot to Panera for 'real' coffee. I realized at some point that Panera offers a nice menu so decided to take Aaron there. We ordered and found a table. It was lunch time, so the place was packed. The table next to us had 3 women at it, 2 with babies and one about to have a baby. The first thought that ran through my head was: Good for them, they have 'normal' babies. This was not a malicious thought, it was just an involuntary thought. Immediatly I looked at the car seat at my feet from which my Daughter was grinning up at me. As if she was saying: It's Okay. It is all good....It will all be all right. I felt like a bad mom. Guilty. I shared my feelings with Aaron. He listens to me, that is a comfort. He somewhat understands, but does not get himself hung up on thoughts the way I do.
Part of my overreaction at that particular point was due to yet another whole group being eliminated from my department at work. All their jobs are going to India. It is irritating to me, I do not see how this helps our economy. I have no doubt that this was the plan all along anyway, but now with the economy as an excuse, there is reason to do it quicker. I feel bad for those to whom this is a blindside, and for whom that job was the only one in the household. I wish all these people well. I will miss many of them (after almost 9 years of seeing these faces, interacting and working with these people, it is really hard to see most of them go). So I am in a bit of a cynical mood these days anyway.
I understand now that I am still in a bit of a mourning/grieving stage that I have mostly suppressed by keeping busy. Solving problems, getting things arranged and done. I was told at one point that it is good to be practical, but it is important to give myself time for grief when I need it. And not to get too impatient with myself. I guess today, I had a moment like that. Life is interesting. There is much to learn about it and ourselves, and we do this via others. At 3 months old, Annelies is a pretty good teacher. I think she understands more than most will ever realize.